There isn’t a person alive who wouldn’t like access to more peace in their life. The writer of Romans gives us an admirable, albeit unlikely, goal to strive for:

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” — Romans 12:18

Let me break the difficult news to you right up front: it’s not possible to be at peace with everyone.

We can do our best to confront difficulties and deal with conflict, but we may still not achieve peace with everyone. If you fail, people will point it out. If you succeed, others may feel jealous and try to undermine you.

I’m 100% sure there was somebody somewhere who said, “That Mother Teresa, what a witch.”

God gives us a different goal—a better goal: soul peace. There are many adjustments we need to make to arrive at soul peace, but let me talk about one that I wish I had learned decades ago.

It is possible to have peace that isn’t dependent on circumstances or on how tense your wife is, how annoyed your child is, or how angry your parent is. But to do so, we have to hand over the keys. We must surrender control. The prophet Isaiah put it like this:

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is a Rock that lasts forever.” — Isaiah 26:3-4

Perfect peace is a matter of trust—trust that God has me, my family, my work, and my finances.

When I surrender, I don’t just let go of my will; I also give up the idea that I am in charge of outcomes.

I am the parent in our house who taught our kids to drive. I’m not sure how I got assigned this task. My job is to simply sit in the passenger seat and coach my children. I try to look relaxed, but if I think they’re taking too long to hit the brakes, my feet start pressing into the floor like I’m pressing an imaginary brake on my side. My jaws clench and my shoulders hunch, as if my body believes it can help slow the car by tensing up.

If you think it was irrational fear that caused me to feel this anxiety, let me tell you about two events that happened to me during time as a driver instructor.

As we pulled into the DMV, my child, who was about to take her behind-the-wheel test, said to me: “Dad, tell me again: which side of the road do you drive on?”

I dropped off another daughter to take her behind-the-wheel test and was pacing and praying in the parking lot when she returned after only a few minutes. I could see her get out of the car, and then I saw the instructor exit the vehicle in a fury. She marched over to me, got in my face, and said, “You have got to teach this child to drive. We almost hit a pedestrian in the parking lot.”

There was a reason I was anxious when teaching my children to drive: my life was in peril.

What a relief it is to believe there is someone more competent than me behind the wheel, so that I do not have to control the outcomes of my life.

But God has to drive—He can’t just be in the car.

I worked with a comedian named Brad Stine, who used to joke about people who put a bumper sticker on their car that says, “God is my copilot.”

“You have got to be a good driver if, when you walk up to your car, God yells ‘shotgun.’ I think a good rule of thumb is that if God is in the car, let Him drive. He’s got insurance; He can talk Himself out of tickets. He can knock that radar gun back a couple of digits. But instead, God is His copilot. He’s toting God around like God couldn’t handle it. ‘You take the wheel; I’m not familiar with this area.’” — Brad Stine

To see Brad perform this hilarious routine click on his picture below.

 

You need to understand that in this illustration, you are not the driver. You and I are the shaky teenagers who’ve forgotten which side to drive on. As long as we cling to the illusion that we can control outcomes, peace will elude us.

I can love my children to the best of my ability, spend time with them, and encourage them, but I am not in charge of their destiny.

I can work with integrity, determination, and skill, but I am not in control of the results.

I can try to make wise choices to save for retirement, but I am not running the stock market.

I find that every moment I worry is a chance to practice letting go of the need to control outcomes. There is a God; it is not me.

Here’s my goal: This is a quote from Brené Brown from the book The Gift of Imperfection:

“When I was pregnant with Ellen, someone gave me a small book called Baby Love: A Tradition of Calm Parenting. I can still see myself sitting in my brand-new glider with one hand resting on my very pregnant belly and the other hand holding that book. I remember thinking, This is my goal. I want to be a calm parent. I try to be slow to respond and quick to think: Do we even have all the information we need to make a decision or form a response? I also stay very mindful about the effect that calm has on an anxious person or situation. A panicked response produces more panic and more fear. As psychologist and writer Harriet Lerner says, ‘Anxiety is extremely contagious, but so is calm.’ The question becomes, do we want to infect people with more anxiety or heal ourselves and the people around us with calm?”

 

I read that and thought, that’s what I want to be.

I want to be the one that brings calm.

I don’t want to be the one that brings stress to the party. I don’t want to add anxiety or anger.

To get there, you have to give up the illusion that you are in control.

What is it you need to give up control of?

“God, I don’t want to worry about money anymore. I want You to take control of it.”

“God, can You take control of my marriage? I want to show up and love and care, but I can’t control my spouse. I’ve tried, and it hasn’t worked. I’m giving You control.”

“God, I’m giving You control of my retirement. I’m going to be wise and save, but I’m giving the rest to You. When I retire, my finances—it’s all Yours.”

“God, I want my child to find You. I raised her in church, and she’s walked away, and it breaks my heart. You know how much she means to me, but she means more to You, so I’m giving up control of my daughter’s salvation.”

Do you want peace? Peace that isn’t dependent on having all circumstances in your favor? Perhaps it’s time to give up the illusion of control and give the keys to someone who’s a better driver than you.